3. Lose it: 2024

September 4, 2024

Is this public? I don't know. 

A lot has happened since I last updated this blog. I got married. I got divorced. I got married again (to the love of my life and eternal companion). I had a baby (Nellie, the cutest baby girl, who is now almost 3!!!!). I gained 70 lbs. Ya know, life. 

Being overweight is my "default." My body has been used to this for most of my life - like 30 of the past 33 years, but after my divorce, I was F-I-T. Kickboxing and a broken heart full of revenge is apparently the ideal combination for weight loss for me. Fortunately, Mike would never break my heart. Unfortunately, there are no kickboxing gyms up here like the one I was attending (called I Love Kickboxing, but it's been rebranded). Anyway. Covid happened and I began working from home. That wasn't a problem while I was living in my parents' basement because my mom and I worked out every morning, but then I got married and stopped working out. Then I miscarried. Then I got pregnant and SO TIRED. And then I got hungry. And then I didn't stop being hungry because I didn't learn anything with GDM about nutrition. And then I had Nellie and there was no time (there was time, I was just tired from not sleeping and always taking care of a new baby and a messy home). And then I started working again. And the PPD. And then the body image issues. And then the real depression. And then trying to get pregnant and not getting pregnant. And then more depression... 

Anyway. It's all excuses. At any point, I could've looked at a picture and said, "Wow, Heather. What have you done to yourself, you big fat cow? You don't even look in the mirror. You avoid pictures like the plague (which is a problem when you've married into a picture-taking-obsessed family). Perhaps you should DO something." Well, I did say all that. Every day. I don't know what the deal is. Why do I just seem to not have it in me to just make a decision and stick to it? I have never been disciplined in my life. (Even now, I am avoiding doing actual work.)

The other day, my mom suggested Amy (my sister) and I start a blog called "Two Fat Sisters Making a Change." Ouch. It's not that I haven't been aware, but she just said it: the "F" word. It hurt my feelings enough that I didn't really consider it. I haven't talked to Amy about it. This is just my blog, obviously. I told Crystal about it (not in a gossip-y way, mind you, just a my-supportive-mom-is-doing-whatever-she-can-to-get-me-excited-about-losing-weight kind of way) and she said maybe I should consider just writing it out.

I had my A1C tested and I am officially pre-diabetic. Disgusting. WHAT.HAVE.I.DONE? My doctor suggested I get on Ozempic. He would like to see my BMI reduced by three points. This means a low sugar, low calorie diet and 150 minutes of exercise per week (which is only 30 minutes five times a week - not bad). I have started walking for an hour on a walking pad; depending on my speed, that is 2.5-3 miles. He's less concerned about muscle mass, but muscle burns fat just existing, and more concerned about cardio. I should be doing both.

So...here we are. Maybe I'll remember to give updates. Maybe I won't. But here is the plan. 

1. Meal planning - mainly vegetables and protein (RIP pasta noodles and chips)

2. Regular exercise for 60 minutes 5+ days/week. This may include, but is not limited to walking, running, Zumba, trampolining (I want to buy a rebounder), etc.

3. Work on becoming disciplined. Follow through. Noticing and recording progress.

4. Family first. I want to be a good wife and mother. I am terrified at the idea of Nellie knowing her mother hates what she sees in the mirror. It affects you forever in one way or another. Although Mike seems to be genuinely attracted to me, I know he would like it more if I was in shape and I liked my body.

I am interested in 75-Day Hard, but I want to be realistic and go 30-Day Medium Level Difficulty. Follow an actual diet plan, work out 5 days per week and getting outside 2-3 times per week (we walk Winston every night, but does that count?), and reading a self-improvement book.

The problem here is my commitment (to chips) or non-commitment to improvement. So, maybe that should actually be #1: COMMIT.

One last thought - I am afraid to fail. I am afraid I have no one to blame but myself for my infertility, and that it will be my fault if there is no little brother/sister for Nellie. I am afraid that the lack of instant gratification will keep me from pushing forward.

I know I can do this. I just gotta.

Welp...see ya!