Torture Methods

     So once upon a time in one of my other posts, I said I'd talk about this... Well here it is. My favorite one was when someone did something worthy of a torturous punishment, they were taken into custody and made to drink milk and honey (lots of nasty BMs) and is forced to stand still while they were cut several hundred times all over their body. The cuts were only about an inch long and very shallow, like a paper cut. I just found out why those are so painful-it's because of the nerve endings in your skin... Interesting. So these people were frickin' smart.  Then they'd strap the guy to a boat, butt-naked (buck-naked?), pour honey all over his body, and send him into the middle of a reservoir pond place where there are LOTS of bugs flying around. The bugs would eat the honey, but not stop there, they'd eat the prisoner guy too, which leads to excruciatingly painful infection, which brought more and more bugs and he'd eventually die from dehydration and sceptic shock. Ouch. It's called Scaphism and I think it's interesting. Don't you? Yeah, probably. Not. I'm creepy, huh?
     Next is the Brazen Bull. It's this hollow bull made of brass with a door on the side to fit a human body in. The criminal is stuffed inside and the torturers light a fire beneath it. The bull has all sorts of tubing a cork placed in it so the criminal's, now amplified, screams sound like a bull's moo or whatever it's called. Basically, the person inside is cooked to death; he is literally roasted. Could you imagine that? Being roasted like a turkey on Thanksgiving or something? Have you ever burned yourself with a straightener bad enough that your skin sticks to it? It's painful and it brings on blisters pretty quick, so you can imagine that heat, all the blisters that are near boiling...leading to more burns? Seriously, ouch. The guy who invented it was actually the first one to experience it. Oh the irony.
     Quartering. I have a funny story about that. Once upon a time, I was friends with this girl and her boyfriend. This girl's parents are NUTS! And they hated her boyfriend, but he loved her and she loved him. When he was upset at her parents, he'd tell me all about it to get it off his chest. He wanted to tie her mom to four different horses and send them running in every direction to quarter her. He didn't hate her dad as much, so he just said he'd do to him the things Westley threatened Humperdink with: leave him with nothing but ears so he could hear the shrieks of every woman, the cries of every child that fear him. Pretty funny, right? Now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing they broke up because that is a bit creepy and questionable that he'd dream of stuff like that, but whatever. I'm interested in these methods, so who am I to judge? :)
     TJ and I used to joke about a pretty funny one. If you think about it, you seriously feel the pain. It's one of those things where you're like, "uh...why would you ever do that?" and it gives you the shivers. Whenever we were at a family reunion or an awkward situation, we used to say, "I would rather stick bamboo toothpicks under my toenails and kick the wall than do that again!" Doesn't that just make you clench your toes together and give you the chills to think about it? That happens to me. Painful! I have had so many of those situations though... and sometimes bamboo toothpicks do sound better than those situations. You ever have those moments? They're not that great. In fact, they should be a torture method on their own. Right? Yes.

The Cuteness of Matt

In hopes that I'll get a kiss, I have to tell you something. Matt is a freakin' babe! Hahaha. He's super cute and numero uno at cuddling. We're discussing it right now, in fact. Kinda. I didn't know what to write about, so he came to my rescue (or somethin') and gave me a topic: to write about how cute he is. Basically, it starts with the outward stuff. His hair is incredibly soft and he looks way good with the short hair. Given, I've never seen him with long hair, but hey, he still looks good. He's got way gorgeous blue eyes, which is a mutation-who knew? and perfectly shaped lips. His body is dang good lookin! Pretty much everyone knows I'm not necessarily a fan of six packs, and despite that, he's still trying to get one, but he has so much muscle! His body is basically the epitome (yeah, college word...kinda) of bodily perfection. But it's not all that that makes me think he's cute. Matt has the greatest personality too. He can joke around and have fun. We usually have pretty good conversations about all sorts of stuff. For instance, after he read that blog about our first kiss, we talked for like two hours about it. Sometimes we talk about movies and all kinds of junk. Ha! Matt is so humble...for the most part. A lot of the time, when I tell him that I think he's got a sexy body or whatever, he'll deny it. I think that he secretly knows he really is whatever I say to him. He has pretty good ideas for the most part and isn't afraid to do whatever he wants so he'll have fun. Does that even make sense? I don't know, but maybe. He's pretty sporty...Well, when it comes to basketball, even though he claims that he sucks. I don't think he does, but whatever. Matt plays guitar and sings!!! What? Yeah, that's right. He doesn't do it at the same time though; according to him, it ends up sounding horrible if he does it together. I have yet to learn for myself, but I assume he's being too modest about that. Someday, if I have anything to do with it, he WILL play for me. Muahahahahaha. Ok...Basically, all of this is a little bit off the wall, but if you really want to know how cute he is, imagine your favorite qualities in a guy, that is pretty much what he's made of. He opens doors and kisses softly, he knows just what to say to make a girl blush, and he somehow knows when I need a pick-me-up. There's more, but I'm not feeling the good writing skills coming out today, sorry suckers. I better get that kiss now! The end.

First Kiss...

      His name is Matt. We met where I used to meet many of my future "relationship" partners: Facebook. Bad idea. But that's ok because it turns out all right. So we had been talking and texting like teenagers do, flirting and thinking we were oh so hilarious because of our inside jokes. Stuff like going green... Whatever. Finally, the day came that I would get to meet this boy. He text me while I was at work and asked me to hang out with him over at his brother's house, (Oh, by the way, it was General Conference weekend.) to watch Conference. I could not wait! I closed up shop early (shhhh) and ran home to take a shower and beautify myself. As luck would have it, unfortunately, he showed up before I was even finished! So who got to entertain him? Yeah, that would be my parents. Poor boy. I went downstairs and we looked into each other's eyes and he told me that I really was short. (I already knew that, but I giggled and flirtatiously and said something that I probably thought was witty.) He escorted me out the car...which his brother was driving...and helped me into the back seat, and he got into the passenger seat. (At this point, before you think anything bad about him, I should tell you that he's actually pretty polite and chivalrous.)
     We drove up to his brother's house and made our way inside, down the stairs and sat down to watch Conference. A few short minutes later, Matt asked me if I was thirsty. I was starting to think he was an idiot...Why would he ask me that? I said no and awkwardly tried to watch Conference. Then he asked me again, and I said no...and still could not figure out why he asked. Why would I be thirsty? Then Crystal, my oldest sister, text me to ask how the date was. I text her back, secretly, of course, telling her that I did not understand why he kept wanting to know if I wanted a drink. And then it hit me. It had NOTHING to do with wanting a drink. He wanted to kiss me! How could I be the idiot?! I didn't know what to do, so I asked Crystal what I should do. She said to text him; so I did. It said, "Hey, (Insert private joke) I think I'm thirsty..." My heart started racing...I basically just agreed to kiss him! My first real kiss...Oh no! Was my breath ok? Did I even brush before we left? Oh gosh, what if I suck at it? Then my phone vibrated: "I'm thirsty...for you." My eyes were the size of saucers! What the heck did that mean? Oh jeez. I looked at him and smiled. Then he asked me again (so his brothers and sister-in-law could hear) if I was thirsty. I admitted that I was thirsty. He took my hand (ahhh! Excitement!) and led me up the stairs to the kitchen.
     He sat down at the table, so I sat down next to him and smiled. I'm sure he could see the mixture of emotions in my eyes. I was terrified and excited; nervous, yet giddy. He leaned toward me and I pulled my head back, as if I was recoiling or somethin'. I was not ready for this. Matt put his hand on my neck and pulled me toward him. I puckered up, trying (and failing) to be seductive, as he leaned in toward me. I kept my eyes open, watching him as he got closer and closer, then finally I realized everyone in heaven was laughing at me for my awkwardness, so I closed them. His lips met mine and it wasn't too bad. Then he tried shoving his tongue in my mouth. I didn't know what was happening. (Now I'll admit that I know how much of an idiot I really was, especially now that I know he is actually a very, very good kisser.) I kept my lips clenched closed. I didn't want that in my mouth! But he kept trying, oh yes, he's persistent. So I opened up and we started making out. My first kiss turned into a makeout!  This wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't get a real first kiss. But I let it go and kept kissing him. About ten seconds later I realized I didn't like kissing. It was gross and sloppy and not how I had always imagined it. I pulled away and looked at him. His expression was that of pure confusion. I burst out laughing. I think I was trying not to cry, but I couldn't stop laughing. He smiled at me and asked if everything was ok. I had no idea how I was. I knew for a fact I was not good at kissing and I needed practice. I answered with a timid yes and he leaned in to kiss me again. This kiss was better; softer, sweeter, but I was still a bit skeptical. He pulled away and I smiled up at him, still hating that I wasn't sure if I even liked kissing. I grabbed his hand and walked away, hoping that he'd just want to hold hands and keep it at that. (Just so you know, the real reason I didn't want to kiss him was because I was so embarrassed by my lack of skills in the kissing department.) We sat on the couch, just cuddling, and the way he held me made me think that I could just cuddle forever and never kiss again.
     ...We all know how long that lasted... The rest of that story is just between Matt and me... Exciting, yeah? Not for you, but definitely for me, sucker! I have more of these stories. They'll be coming soon, lucky YOU! Well, Imma go.
Sexy beef cake, bih! ;) K, bye.

2011 Begins. Oh yeah...

First off, Happy New Year! Last year was a good one, but I'm definitely ready to start a new one. Maybe now that I've made some new resolutions that I think I might keep, I'll start trying to become a better person...at least for a while...until I've forgotten about it all.
After talking to my dad about what this decade will bring, I have decided that I'm going to start writing out five year plans/goals so I can actually progress. The thought of five years from now kinda scares me though. I mean, think about it; in five years, I plan on being married. Eww... Not that I think I'm old, it's just that I've never been to the point where I'm actually thinking about getting married. My whole life, as a girl, has been stuffed full of me replacing my last name with my crush's, planning my pink and black wedding, hoping for a gold ring (the yellow kind, not white), and dreaming up the perfect, flowing wedding dress. However, I haven't, before these past few months, actually considered that my next date could be the guy I marry. My sister (Amy) was just about engaged  by the time she was my age. That is scary...and it gets me thinking.
Anywho (who says that anymore?), I want to make new goals/resolutions at the beginning of every month for the year. We'll see how long that lasts.
This month, as I start on my new medicine (I'll tell you what it is if you ever ask me) and start seeing a new doctor. I am going to be perfect with taking it on time and always show up to appointments on time. Next, I need to start looking for a job. I think it's gonna take longer than three weeks, but I can start. I need to work out too. That last one is so that when I become famous and all the guys I've ever been with will regret ever letting me go (whether it was my choice or theirs) and they'll all just want me back. I have to start now. Who knows when I'll get all famous. Ya know? Hahaha
This year, I want to figure out my major. I am thinking I'll major in communications because I can do anything with a degree in communications. Everything involves communication, right? Yes. I also NEED to get a job for the summer. A good one. Not that I don't LOVE working at the pool, I just cannot survive or save up for next year on that amount of money. Any suggestions? Preferably somewhere I can get paid to practically do nothing. Cuz that's what I did at my other job...I mean...what? Shh... I need that degree...
I also think that I need to find a boyfriend. A good one. I'm not desperate, kinda, but I think it's about time I grow up. Kissing is fun and all, but there's nothing like feeling like you're a part of something that is just between you and the person you love. I can be in as many clubs and go to as many parties as I want, but a relationship is just so much better.
I should probably start being a better person now. It's important and it will probably make it easier to reach my other goals.  So, I think I'm going to try to do service more for people, be less selfish, show more respect (especially to my parents), and most importantly, get help from my Heavenly Father. I will get closer to Him by praying more and reading the Book of Mormon. I have, admittedly, done a lot of stupid stuff in the past few years, and I need to grow up and figure out what I want in life and I can't do that without His help.