2. Lose it: Skinny pants

I'm gonna be completely honest with ya, Blogger. I have changed literally NOTHING in my attempts to lose weight. I think I lost one pound in the last five weeks. I ate McDonald's twice, yes, TWICE, yesterday. I have been thinking about making mac and cheese for like three days straight (the Outback kind with Velveeta) and I've had chips with my yogurt for breakfast twice...yes, twice ;)
But... My boss walked in wearing bright pink pants with flowers (even though that's clearly a spring outfit and we're in the middle of October, but that's none of my business) the other day, and these blue and white striped pants yesterday. I have blue pants with floral print and white pants with blue pin stripes and I MISS THEM! I also have brown houndstooth pants. They're so cute! And I haven't worn them in over THREE FREAKIN YEARS. Do you know why? Butter and cheese is why. Just kidding. I am not taking control of my life, that is the actual reason. I let life happen to me and blame my circumstances for not doing better. Well, ya know what? I WANT TO WEAR THOSE FREAKING PANTS AGAIN!!! I want to absolutely love what I see in the mirror and in pictures. I want to not hide in the back when someone wants a group picture. I want to wear a white t-shirt and jeans and not worry about the muffin.
I've gotta do something. I should probably use my gym membership. Afterall, I am paying like $30 a month for that crap and I haven't used it yet on account of laziness and being scared of seeing someone I know there that will be like, oh last time I saw you was 40 lbs ago!
This is no more. I'm taking control...after my unhealthy weekend with Crystal.

1. Lose it - The History

My weight is something I have struggled with for just about my whole life. I remember when I was eight and my dad sat me down on the couch to talk about it. He said I was gaining a lot of weight and he didn't want it to be an issue forever, that he wanted to help me. I think that was the first time I realized I was kind of a chunky kid. 

Fast forward to my teenage years. I was awkward, had chubby cheeks, thick framed glasses, and braces. Hottie. I knew I wasn't as cute as other girls, but I couldn't get the weight to melt off. Food is just too good. I remember thinking I'd never have a boyfriend. No guy would ever like me because I was too fat. I wonder now if that's where my ridiculous obsession with them came from.
When I was 17, I finally hung out with a guy for the first time. Conference weekend. I remember walking in and seeing Matt look me up and down. Looking back, it occurs to me that I wasn't what he expected. Maybe he was regretting his decision to hang out with me and was trying to find a way out. We shared a couple awkward, drool-y kisses...and a couple days later, he said he wasn't interested. Ouch. I blamed my weight, but couldn't do anything about it. 

Throughout the years, it was something always on my mind. I learned to take cute face pictures because I was too insecure to get one of my body. I dated guys that called me pretty and I felt so lucky to have them, bending to every one of their wants and needs, losing myself because I thought they were doing me the favor by being with me. I had no confidence. Even now, I struggle with it. Why would that hot guy want to be with me? I'm disgusting. I thought I was gross when I weighed 140 lbs in high school and now I'm nearly 30 lbs heavier and I absolutely hate it. I just don't know how to get in control. But it's time to learn. It's almost October. It's been 8 years since I had my first kiss and I still haven't fixed my biggest insecurity. It's time for a change, time to get in control, time to be confident and healthy and, most importantly, to learn to love myself.
I know it's not ideal and I should do it right, but it seems the only time I can stick to something is when it begins with a jump start. That slow and steady stuff is killer. I know, I've tried. I'm going to talk to a doctor for help. I might try the master cleanse (yum, cranberry, maple lemonade), and do the military diet. I told myself at the beginning of this year that I would drop some lbs. Well, I only have three months to do it. I plan to learn to eat healthy, make exercising a part of my life again. I'll try a few different things and write down how they worked for me. Maybe I can lose 20 or 30 pounds by the end of the year.
I'll keep you updated.

Update! Ramblings...

So, it has been a while since I've gotten on this thing and I'm here to say...well, I've learned a lot; about myself, about life, politics, love, pain...well the list goes on. Sadly, it excludes education. Don't you worry, though, I'm going next semester. Yay!!!
Ok, maybe I should tell y'all that this is just a place for me to spout my opinions. I'm sorry if they're not yours or if you're offended by what I have to say. If you're going to oppose me and you want to tell me about it, go for it!!! Just be nice. I'll be nice back, I promise. If you agree, coolio. You should let me know!
I just hope that I can get my voice out there and prove that not all of us 'Muricans are idiots.
Going into college, I had no idea what I wanted to major in. Guess what! Still don't. However, I do have a nice list (and why I may or may not pursue it). Here goes. Nurse (blood...can't do it. Although, I think I'll test for my CNA. Why not?), MS specialist (by now, you probably know that I was diagnosed (kind of) a few years back, and I've been thinking, "why not specialize in my own disease, eh? Who better to trust than a specialist in her own disease?" Ya get me?), teacher (why would I want to get yelled at by parents for doing my job?), Wedding planner ( I AM SCARY! Get me mad, you better run! I get stuff done...when I put my mind to it. Rare. But it could happen if it was my job. Right?), Financial planner (have you met me? Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Although, I'd do a helluva lot better job than the people who are in charge of finances where I work), and most recently, politics (I have awesome ideas, I have good morals and values, and a good family and faith to keep me grounded*). We'll get to that later.

*Disclaimer: I have made a TON of mistakes. I have abandoned my family and my faith and denied the truths that they have taught me, but even in the roughest times of my life, they're what eventually gave me hope and courage to grow up and turn my life around. Work in progress, lemme tell ya!

I wish I knew how to begin paragraphs. I always have this problem. Even when I'm writing in my journal, I don't know how to start; sometimes I'm like, "Sup, Journal?" and other times, "Long time, no...write." or "Ok/so/alrighty/etc." Pretty embarrassing. I'll work on it.

There are a lot of things that I want to change in this world. I'll be the first to tell you that I don't know where to start. Can you agree that that may be what holds a lot of us back from doing the things we dream of? I think YES! Here's another list for ya.
Finances in the state. Here's why... Did you know that our governor, instead of giving a raise to state employees and teachers, actually gave himself a 30%(ish) raise? Uhh...Thanks for the gratitude, jerk. I only take care of the people no one else cared about. And teachers? They are basically raising the future. Don't you think they should get a little recognition? Even if it's only a Christmas bonus? The people who inspired me most in the last twenty-one years I've been alive have been teachers and I bet you could say the same.
Views on drugs, sex, and the loss of innocence. I will tell you that I have dabbled my fair share in all three. Luckily, I stayed far from hardcore drugs and got out before I got stuck. I will forever wish that I hadn't lost my virginity before marriage. Regardless of the religion I belong to or any that you may belong to, teaching our children about abstinence is a moral I hope can become more valued. I may have seen and heard, said, and done many things, but when I was no longer a virgin, that's when I lost my innocence. That's when I lost my values and morals and forgot who I was, who I am. We'll get back to that.
Labels. I just posted on Facebook about how I feel about labels. Knowing I have ADD held me back, just having it never did. It became a crutch, an excuse, and it made me lose confidence in myself.
Birth Control. WHY ARE CHILDREN HAVING SEX? YOU deal with the consequences of the actions YOU choose. Why should MY hard earned money pay for you to be an idiot?
Prisons. Once again, I work for my money, my car, my rent, clothes...everything I own. I shouldn't have to pay for criminals to sit on their butts, watch porn, work out, eat more nutritional foods than are served in schools, and have their own room. Right? Florida and Arizona rock at their system.
Drug testing for recipients of any financial aid from the government. My money shouldn't go to pay for your drugs. Granted, there  are many people out there who couldn't survive without government assistence, but because of the dishonest people, taxes are raised and the cost of living goes up.
I could talk forever. But basically, all I want is to raise my children in an honest, hard working, un-entitled (is that a word?) society. I hope you care enough for the generations to come enough to want the same.

Scary Movie Marathon of October 2011

I LOVE SCARY MOVIES! Why did I acquire this love? Well, I have this best friend named DeeDee... She pretty much made me a Horror movie addict. A few years ago, when we became friends, she told me about going to the movies to see scary movies alone. Heck no, I can never do that. But I definitely did admire her for it. Before this all started, I couldn't watch a scary movie without cuddling up to a muscular man and a blanket (to cover my eyes)! Now...well, I don't need a man. Hahahaha. It's because we are the worst (or maybe the best, depending on how funny you think we are) people to watch movies with. We talk. And talk. And talk. And talk... We have to comment on every move anyone makes. "What are you doing?" "Don't go in there! Honestly, who goes into dark, scary corridors by themselves?" "Yeah, call out. Make sure the murderer knows where you are." "Don't swear," (one of my personal favorites). And the most common comment, "Boobs, again? Why can we never pick movies without boobs?" We are so hilarious, discussing what we'd do differently. We, of course, would never go on the subway at midnight in New York (Midnight Meat Train) or drive through the desert when we're low on gas (Hills Have Eyes, Vacancy, etc.) or go to Texas (Texas Chainsaw Massacre). Idiots.
Because we have watched 32 or more movies in the past six months, we are going to be scary movie critics. We'd be the best at it. However, we might give five stars to every movie... So maybe not. Darcey Michelle, my other bestest friend, joins us much of the time, so she'll be a critic with us too. She doesn't know yet, but I'm sure she'll be excited.
I made a list of the movies that I've watched with DeeDee... I might add ones that I watched with just Darcey, but for now,  I'll just mention the ones that DeeDee has watched with us. I am so excited. Aren't you?
Here they are, along with what I thought of them.
-Midnight Meat Train. BEST. MOVIE. EVER. We frickin' loved it. I think we laughed the entire time...well, when we weren't freaking out over all the murders, the sores kept in jars, outrageously gory murders, and (eww) tossed salad. Look it up, I'll never tell what that means.
-Boo. Awful movie. There was a reason for why things happened. My favorite movies are the ones with killers without reason... They are the most interesting and they leave your imagination spiraling out of control. Boo ended fairly...I dunno how to explain it. Lamely, I guess.

-Shutter. It was kind of the same, very forgettable. Yeah, it was creepy that this girl kept showing up in pictures and stuff, but if I was in her situation, I'd haunt people too.
-The Descent 1 and 2. They were awesome. A huge underground cave with thousands of ways to die, whether it is crossing from one side to another, stabbing each other in the dark, or being eaten by the things that live in there? Wonderful. Spoiler alert... I especially love it when the townspeople help the villains out to avoid being taken down... LOVE IT.

-The Ring 1 and 2. Worst movies. Not because they're bad, but because they haunt my dreams and my thoughts. I first watched number one when it came out and it was the first I'd seen. The dead girl's face and the very thought of the movie is horrifying. Now that I've seen them, you can bet I'll never watch them again.

-Friday the 13th. Who doesn't love a mindless killer? Well, I guess he's not mindless. He's brilliant. And speedy. How he manages to be everywhere and never get killed or outsmarted is just really...whoa. I'd watch it again.

-The Ward. I liked this one too. It was twisted out of control. Like the dead girl that kills everyone? And the twist at the end... I wish I could give the ending away. It's awesome.

-Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This one is just...wowza. Darcey watched this one with us. I have to admit that there were a few times that I almost hurled (when he wipes the brains off the seat) or hid my eyes. It's a bit disturbing to see the face of a guy who used to be alive being worn by the guy who's about to kill someone. Scary times.
-The Strangers. Sweet the first time I saw it, but I can't watch it again. It never shows the faces and I hate the idea of killers that kill because "you were home," uhhh, what??? Yeah. That's why. But I'd suggest you watch it. Everyone should. For sure. Hahaha

-Last House on the Left. It's mostly just a big anxiety attack. You're like, "this could've all been avoided if you hadn't hung out with your stupid friend!" Butt rape, the smartest doctor, and an exploded head. Sweet revenge. It's cool.

-Pulse. All I can really recall from this movie is red duct tape. Obviously not too memorable. There are two more movies and I might still see them. Maybe it'll end the story.

-The Possession of David O'Reilly. I don't remember much about this one either. But the demons were sweet and were made out of pure imagination. There's a gross part about a baby that cuts itself out of its mom and they can always reach you in the dark. Scary though. Might as well see it.

-The Ruins. Sweet movie. Turns out it's the plants that are the killers. They are so crazy. First this guy gets paralyzed, and one guy is the most awesome doctor. There are these people that are outta control and shoot anyone who is touched by the plants. It's really a bummer. But it was definitely sweet.

-The Hills Have Eyes 1 and 2. Well, basically, this is a nightmare. The "villains" are people that were turned into mutantsish by the radiation and they want revenge. The dad gets burned to death, tied to a post in the middle of a fire. And in the second one, someone comes out of the toilet. Out. Of. Control. Watch them.

-Vacancy. I am thinkin' that I can never stay in a motel again. Apparently there are killers everywhere and there are secret passageways and cameras everywhere. Also, never trust a cop. They're either killers or get killed.

-Unborn. I can't remember much about this one. There's a creepy crawly guy though. I wouldn't suggest it.

-100 Feet. So sad. The chick gets released from prison after she kills her husband. And then she's haunted by him. I think she finds money and has an affair. Not that great.

-Insidious. Darcey is terrified of this one. I didn't think it was that bad until the end. Watch it and you'll see why. I liked it, but I was done with it when it was over. I got into bed and slept soundly that night. 

-Case 39. Now that one is freaky. This is why I hate children. Ok, I don't hate them, I actually want them and I think they're cute sometimes. But, this girl is definitely a reason to be terrified of them. Seriously, I get the oven thing. Hahaha. Watch it!

-Straw Dogs. Pretty ok. It was a good story with two super hot guys. Oh snap, the main "straw dog" has the hottest body. Lol. The problem with this is boobs, again, and rape. Not a fan of that. But overall, pretty good movie. Just wait until you don't have to pay $8 to see it.

-Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. Oh snap. I loved this one. Gotta feel bad at the end though... It almost ended happily. Also, it always stresses me out when people don't listen to their kids... They might sound crazy, but I think that they're good people and they're not always lying. They're actually pretty honest people. The little girl in this is so adorable too. See it.

-Carrie. We watched this one quite a while ago. It's freaky, but kinda old and lame. It's mostly there to laugh at now, I think.
-The Amityville Horror. Houses that are haunted suck. Period. It's kinda like The Shining. Just a different setting. Houses mess people up a lot, apparently.
-Echo. Mostly sad. Abusive husband/father. Dead mom. The grosses closet ever. And an escaped convict. Don't watch it.

-Prom Night. This is really just a bummer. Who attacks people on their prom night? And what murderer is hot? I feel like an awful person having a crush on a killer.

-The Uninvited. Twisted times... Gotta feel bad for the younger one. She has good reasons for everything though...At least, they seem good.

-Knock Knock. ...Just don't watch it.

-Splice. It's number one, it's number one! This is the best ever. Splice is so cute at the beginning! And she's outta control! Science is sweet. Watch this one a thousand times! Darcey even drew a picture of us with Splice (her name is actually Dren) and it's hanging on my mirror!

-Paranormal Activity 2. Awesome. But now I've seen it too many times. And you have to watch it after you watch Paranormal Activity 1. Technically, you should watch 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. That would just get complicated... I cannot wait until number three is out!!! It comes out in five days, which is unfortunate because I work all day Friday. We'll make it work.
So there ya go. Our collection of movies. More to come, maybe.
I am pretty lazy with this thing, let's be honest.
OK, bye. Happy Halloween!

What Makes Me Happy

I was asked the other day about what makes me happy. Being a fairly happy person, I answered without much thought. But my answer wasn't good enough. So I tried again. Fail. He said that I base my happiness on others and that I'm a "fixer," so I think I'm happy when I make other people happy. Apparently that isn't real and that I have to come up with things that make me happy that are all about me. So here goes.

I love it when I shave my legs and they're silky smooth. I like it when my hair does what I want it to do. I love getting into bed after I've changed the sheets and made it all perfect. My perfect smile makes me happy. I like when I understand a concept and it actually sticks with me. Thinking about the future makes me get all excited to have kids and a family. I can't wait to go on vacations and hang out and make dinner together and all sorts of stuff like that. The smell of the morning (not in Ephraim because it smells like farming...) or after the rain brings a smile to my face. I absolutely love new shoes and clothes, especially when I wear them and look in the mirror and love who and what I see. I like to see other people smile and I like babies...when they're cute and not crying. I love it when I get to see my family and we do stuff that is fun. Swimming...well, playing around in pools is one of my favorite things to do, especially after work at Draper Pool with my old work pals. This is sounding redundant with all of the "I like" and "I love"s, but my creative side is failing me right now. I like writing though, but mostly about things I know and am interested in...such as myself and men. That stuff fills my life to the brim. I like walking out into the sunshine, putting on some sunglasses and just going for a walk because I feel like doing it. What's better than summer? Nothing. One of my most favorite things is watching romance movies because when they kiss at the end, I know that feeling of love and belonging and the taste of a kiss, but more than I love kissing, I love, love, love cuddling! It doesn't even matter who...well obviously it has to be with someone I like, but...ya know. Music makes me happy and so do books. Having the most amazing family on earth is such a blessing and I couldn't ask for more.

I have been asked to leave...so I guess I'll write again...sometime. :) Sayonara! ;)

Valentine's Day

When I think of Valentine's Day, a million memories of my childhood come swarming into my mind. Do you remember those elementary school parties? The night before...getting your Valentines ready... That was fun. Ha! You had to give the right one to the right people, if you accidentally wrote the wrong name on one, it was certain humiliation and death. All you could think about was, "What if he thinks I like him???" Horrifying and embarrassing. You'd have to hide in a hole for the rest of your life. Then there were the boxes you got to make for the valentines you'd receive. I remember one specific year when my mom and I made THE coolest box ever. It was a castle!!! A bright pink castle with sparkles!!! It was made out of a shoe box and four toilet paper rolls covered in pink cardboard and glitter glue. When I walked into my classroom, everyone literally began clapping for me. I felt like a celebrity or something. It was the best feeling ever. And I got first place for having the best box. 
In fifth grade, I was in love, or so I thought, with a boy named Cody. He moved in after Christmas break and we were immediately the best of friends. We sat outside at recess just talking about anything and everything. I could not get over how adorable I thought he was. He and his cousin, Kyle, always made me play games with them and sit with them at lunch. Megan, Britney, and Amelia were there too. One day, about two weeks before Valentine's Day, Megan (the leader of our little clique) pulled Cody aside and asked him how he felt about me. He told her that he liked me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. Then she approached me and asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I said yes and she started to walk away to tell him. Feeling guilty, I called her back to me and told her that I couldn't have a boyfriend until I was sixteen. It pretty much tore me apart, and I went home that night and laid on my bed for hours just crying. But by the next week Megan had ordered Cody to find another girlfriend. He chose Amelia and I pretty much thought I was going to die of heart break. He and I stopped hanging out and talking all the time because he was expected to spend his time with Amelia now, and hanging out with me was cheating! Valentine's Day came around and I stared at them while Cody presented Amelia with a Teddy Bear and chocolate and she gave him candy and a big love letter. Luckily, I had the best cousin EVER (Johanna) who brought me a giant basket full of gifts. I got candy, a pillow, ornament, stuffed animal, bath fizzies, lotion, and a bunch of other stuff. She made my day with it. She's pretty good at that. At the end of the day, gossip spread through our clique that Cody was moving and he hadn't told Amelia and she was devastated about his lies. Everyone was mad at Cody, but he told me it was a lie and that he had told her. He said I was the only one he could talk to and he wished he didn't ask her out. The next week, he was gone, but I dreamed about him and vowed to myself that one day we'd be together. I've given up on that, especially now that I know what he's become over the past eight years. I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed. 
My awkward stage took over the next five years and I became terrified of boys, so there was never a chance to have an outstanding Valentine's Day. My sophomore year V day was nothing special. I was friends with a boy named Andrew, but he had a girlfriend...Shelby. EWW. She treated him like **** and expected the world from him. They had a cute little lunch together, and then he came to class looking slightly annoyed because she wanted more than just roses, lip suckers, and some cute little bear from him and she made sure he knew. So we skipped class and walked to McDonald's and talked.
 The year after, Jim had just apologized for cheating on me with three other girls and asked for my forgiveness. He also wanted me to be his girl again. I said yes because I was hopelessly in love with him and thought he changed. Then I talked to Linna...his other girlfriend... We broke up a week before Valentine's Day.
A year later, I was a senior... I had just experienced the worst day of my life about a month previous and had sworn off boys forever...or until the next jerk came along. I thought I was in love with a boy named Josh, but he chose another girl over me. So, when Valentine's Day came around, I called up my best friend DeeDee and told her that I thought we needed a girl's night out. She agreed because she and a guy from Moab had broken up and she was in dire need of a night without boys just like I did. We watched chick flicks and ate Taco Bell and chocolate. Could anyone ask for a better friend? I think NOT. 
So this year isn't looking up in the boys area. I doubt that some guy will just come along and ask me out and make me believe that this day isn't just a marketing ploy to get people to buy ridiculously over-priced chocolate and roses that will make them go broke. I, above all things, believe in love, so I know it will happen. I know that man will walk into my life and make me realize why it never worked out with anyone else. But until then, Happy Single's Awareness Day. ;) 

Torture Methods

     So once upon a time in one of my other posts, I said I'd talk about this... Well here it is. My favorite one was when someone did something worthy of a torturous punishment, they were taken into custody and made to drink milk and honey (lots of nasty BMs) and is forced to stand still while they were cut several hundred times all over their body. The cuts were only about an inch long and very shallow, like a paper cut. I just found out why those are so painful-it's because of the nerve endings in your skin... Interesting. So these people were frickin' smart.  Then they'd strap the guy to a boat, butt-naked (buck-naked?), pour honey all over his body, and send him into the middle of a reservoir pond place where there are LOTS of bugs flying around. The bugs would eat the honey, but not stop there, they'd eat the prisoner guy too, which leads to excruciatingly painful infection, which brought more and more bugs and he'd eventually die from dehydration and sceptic shock. Ouch. It's called Scaphism and I think it's interesting. Don't you? Yeah, probably. Not. I'm creepy, huh?
     Next is the Brazen Bull. It's this hollow bull made of brass with a door on the side to fit a human body in. The criminal is stuffed inside and the torturers light a fire beneath it. The bull has all sorts of tubing a cork placed in it so the criminal's, now amplified, screams sound like a bull's moo or whatever it's called. Basically, the person inside is cooked to death; he is literally roasted. Could you imagine that? Being roasted like a turkey on Thanksgiving or something? Have you ever burned yourself with a straightener bad enough that your skin sticks to it? It's painful and it brings on blisters pretty quick, so you can imagine that heat, all the blisters that are near boiling...leading to more burns? Seriously, ouch. The guy who invented it was actually the first one to experience it. Oh the irony.
     Quartering. I have a funny story about that. Once upon a time, I was friends with this girl and her boyfriend. This girl's parents are NUTS! And they hated her boyfriend, but he loved her and she loved him. When he was upset at her parents, he'd tell me all about it to get it off his chest. He wanted to tie her mom to four different horses and send them running in every direction to quarter her. He didn't hate her dad as much, so he just said he'd do to him the things Westley threatened Humperdink with: leave him with nothing but ears so he could hear the shrieks of every woman, the cries of every child that fear him. Pretty funny, right? Now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing they broke up because that is a bit creepy and questionable that he'd dream of stuff like that, but whatever. I'm interested in these methods, so who am I to judge? :)
     TJ and I used to joke about a pretty funny one. If you think about it, you seriously feel the pain. It's one of those things where you're like, "uh...why would you ever do that?" and it gives you the shivers. Whenever we were at a family reunion or an awkward situation, we used to say, "I would rather stick bamboo toothpicks under my toenails and kick the wall than do that again!" Doesn't that just make you clench your toes together and give you the chills to think about it? That happens to me. Painful! I have had so many of those situations though... and sometimes bamboo toothpicks do sound better than those situations. You ever have those moments? They're not that great. In fact, they should be a torture method on their own. Right? Yes.