1. Lose it - The History

My weight is something I have struggled with for just about my whole life. I remember when I was eight and my dad sat me down on the couch to talk about it. He said I was gaining a lot of weight and he didn't want it to be an issue forever, that he wanted to help me. I think that was the first time I realized I was kind of a chunky kid. 

Fast forward to my teenage years. I was awkward, had chubby cheeks, thick framed glasses, and braces. Hottie. I knew I wasn't as cute as other girls, but I couldn't get the weight to melt off. Food is just too good. I remember thinking I'd never have a boyfriend. No guy would ever like me because I was too fat. I wonder now if that's where my ridiculous obsession with them came from.
When I was 17, I finally hung out with a guy for the first time. Conference weekend. I remember walking in and seeing Matt look me up and down. Looking back, it occurs to me that I wasn't what he expected. Maybe he was regretting his decision to hang out with me and was trying to find a way out. We shared a couple awkward, drool-y kisses...and a couple days later, he said he wasn't interested. Ouch. I blamed my weight, but couldn't do anything about it. 

Throughout the years, it was something always on my mind. I learned to take cute face pictures because I was too insecure to get one of my body. I dated guys that called me pretty and I felt so lucky to have them, bending to every one of their wants and needs, losing myself because I thought they were doing me the favor by being with me. I had no confidence. Even now, I struggle with it. Why would that hot guy want to be with me? I'm disgusting. I thought I was gross when I weighed 140 lbs in high school and now I'm nearly 30 lbs heavier and I absolutely hate it. I just don't know how to get in control. But it's time to learn. It's almost October. It's been 8 years since I had my first kiss and I still haven't fixed my biggest insecurity. It's time for a change, time to get in control, time to be confident and healthy and, most importantly, to learn to love myself.
I know it's not ideal and I should do it right, but it seems the only time I can stick to something is when it begins with a jump start. That slow and steady stuff is killer. I know, I've tried. I'm going to talk to a doctor for help. I might try the master cleanse (yum, cranberry, maple lemonade), and do the military diet. I told myself at the beginning of this year that I would drop some lbs. Well, I only have three months to do it. I plan to learn to eat healthy, make exercising a part of my life again. I'll try a few different things and write down how they worked for me. Maybe I can lose 20 or 30 pounds by the end of the year.
I'll keep you updated.